2024

08 . 11

The First Thirty Days

my third persona, andi, was born after ​hardships caused by the lives i led as song ​da-in and dani. i kept to myself, the walls i ​built were miles-high, and it seemed ​impossible for anyone to break through, as i ​kept everybody else at an arm’s length.

at least, that was before you came along.

workaholic

my business saved me, and so i ​focused all my energy on running ​sage, and putting poppy together

cynical

self-contained

to me, everyone is motivated their ​own selfish reasons. i couldn’t ​trust anybody, and i would ​subject anyone i find worthy to ​various tests and challenges, until ​i am proven correct, or until they ​break and give up.

i didn’t need anyone. better ​yet, i was scared to let ​anyone in. even if i did, they ​only had a foot past the door.

guarded

though seemingly open ​and extroverted, i never ​opened up truly about my ​thoughts and feelings.

lonely

because i really was. i ​felt sickeningly alone, ​though life carried on, ​and i treaded on the ​path i chose.

and then, one day, like warm spring sun and gentle rain, you ​came along and washed away the remnants of winter.

at first, i thought you were just like the others, looking for some ​quick fun (i’m sorry). i was waiting for the other shoe to drop, for ​you to make your moves, to take advantage, but you never did. ​for the first time in a long time, someone approached me, ​genuinely wanting nothing but to get close to me

the idea was novel to me. it wasn’t anything that’s happened in ​a long, long time. it was exciting. my heart pounded relentlessly, ​and at times, i couldn’t breathe. soon, i began to seek you. i ​longed for your company. you seeped through the bricks i built ​my defenses with, and no matter where i ran, sunlight followed, ​casting its warm rays onto me.

and it felt good. i have lived my life in winter for the longest time, ​accustomed to the biting cold that the world so often threw my ​way.

i know i’ve told you before, but to me, you are like a lighthouse, ​tirelessly shining a bright light for me to follow, especially on ​stormy days. you’re my north star, you guide me as we move ​forward together. you are my heart, as i have told you plenty of ​times before; no matter where i go, no matter who i meet, my ​heart is with you, i have left it in your care.

i’ve told you i love you so many times too, that i feel like it no ​longer cuts it. the words doesn’t give justice to what i feel for ​you. just when i thought i can’t love you any more than i have, ​the next second, minute, hour, day comes to prove me wrong. ​my feelings for you run so deep, that i find myself endlessly ​falling for you.

this lifetime may not be enough to show you just how grateful i ​am to have you in my life, that i’ll be sure to find you in the next, ​and continue repaying all the love you have given me. the ​universe knew i needed you and it sent you my way without you ​nor i knowing. whatever deity exists must have taken pity on me ​that they finally sent me my life partner, my companion, who will ​take on life’s challenges with me with a smile.

it’s only been thirty days, but it feels like forever. i can’t imagine ​what the future holds for us, and no matter what it is, i will not ​let go of your hand that so bravely reached out to hold mine.

happy first win, my dearest darling. here’s to many more ​together.

but you were stubborn. you refused to let me go back to the hell ​hole i have made for myself. you pulled me up, and you weren’t ​about to let me fall back in.

you held me accountable. everything i had been desperately ​trying to chuck under the rug, you yanked and laid out in the ​open. you pulled out the skeletons in my closet, and most ​importantly, you confronted me about properly acknowledging ​my feelings for you.

you scolded me when it mattered, praised if warranted. you ​whipped me into shape. you forced me to look at the problems ​when all i wanted to do was to look away, and you held my ​hand tightly, walking me through all of it. your love is tough and ​definitely not for the faint-hearted, and the andi of before ​probably wouldn’t have been able to handle it all.

you moulded me into the person i am now, and though it hasn’t ​been so long since, you have already made me change for the ​better. i remember you told me that you don’t want me to ​change for you, but the moment you walked into my life, i ​started changing. i started to accommodate, compromise. i’ve ​grown to be more patient - towards others, and even myself.

since you came into my life, i have been evolving.

because of you, i have been changed for good.

favorite shion things

where do i even start? i love the sound ​of your voice, the sound of your laugh. ​i love your scent. the way you’d pull ​your shirt over your head from the ​back, how you’d scrunch the bridge of ​your nose ever so slightly. i love your ​dimples, even more so your smile.

i absolutely love how you’d always ​hold my hand even while you’re ​driving that i have to be the one to ​pull it away just so we don’t get into ​an accident.

i love your messed up hair in the morning, and how it seemingly ends ​up getting tousled after work. the way you try to get along with my pet ​cats. i love when you get jealous of other people, and i love it when ​you’re possessvive of me too.

i love how you’d make sure to mark my skin each time we make love, ​how you’d take care of my needs first before yours - even though i ​would gladly return the favor.

i love your smile - warm, gentle and kind. i love how you’d always look ​into my eyes when we talk, and when we’re apart, i love how you ​make me feel like i’m not alone, that you’ll always be there for me.

some things, i can’t even think of now - i just know i love all of you.

I never imagined I would be in this position a year from ​now, much less find love and fall in it with someone such ​as yourself.

I make sure to say it often, but today is a special day, so ​please allow me to express my appreciation and ​adoration for you, and everything that you do for me.

I love you, and happy first thirty days, my darling! It’s the ​first of many, the first of forever. Here’s to many more ​together.