9월 1일

I've thought of you today more times than I could count. Every ​time my mind settled and I finished a task, my mind would wander to ​you. I'd worry—have you eaten? Drank water? Taken your medicine? ​Rest? I trust you have, and I hope you're taking care of yourself.

This week feels like it's going to be me walking slowly towards death, ​as each day that passes is a day closer to your departure on the 7th. I ​wish I could say I'll be fine— I mean, I'll still be a functioning member ​of society, but you'll be taking my heart with you, and you and I both ​know people without their hearts are just zombies, really, on ​autopilot.

I wish I could have talked with you a lot today. I wanted to take you ​out for dinner too, but the universe is just so anti-andi and shion, that ​it has been making things difficult for us — yes, us. Because I know ​that as hard as things are for me, it is for you too.

Let's make the most out of the little time we have before you go.

I love you, and I'll go through hell and back for you, especially when I ​know you'll be waiting for me at the finish line.

9월 2일

I think with each day that passes, I feel worse and worse. Though ​truth be told, I would rather go through the motions than ​compartmentalize the longing and the pain. I’m scared if I choose to ​ignore my true feelings, I’d start acting distant and cold and resentful, ​and that would be so unfair to you, to us. It’s not that I don’t accept ​the separation that’s about to happen—I do. I understand it. I’m just ​anxious.

If only you could message me regularly from where you’ll be going, I ​probably won’t be acting this way. If only things that happened ​didn’t. If only I didn’t feel like our time is being stolen from us, right ​before our very eyes. If only I wasn’t so greedy of you.

I’m not proud of the me right now. I feel like I’m only burdening you ​by being this way.

I think I’m even starting to pick fights with you randomly. Like that ​friendship level shit that isn’t even so deep, I’m making such a big ​deal out of. I feel like I’m a ticking time bomb, and the slightest ​provocation would set me off. And I’m afraid, I’m so afraid that you’ll ​tire of me.

So.. even though I just said I’d rather go through the motions, still, I ​swallow the bitter pill and force a smile. Just so you won’t worry.

It’s alright. I’m alright. (I’m not.)

Is this okay? (Probably not.)

I’m sorry. I still end up doing it anyway.

9월 3일

I woke up from my sleep suddenly.

I only told you this once yesterday.

I love you.

9월 3일

I woke up with a ghost of yesterday’s migraine haunting me still. ​The curtains are drawn, the lights remain off, and I bumped down ​the the brightness of my gadget screen, just in case light triggers my ​cluster headache again. I’ve been taking it slow this morning, which ​means I have more time to notice traces of you in my flat. Your ​indoor slippers we bought for whenever you’d stay over, pieces of ​your clothing strewn here and there (I haven’t had the time nor the ​energy to clear up my space over the last few days or so), your ​lingering scent on each and every one of them...

...it’s funny, how my space has gone on from being just mine to ours. ​My bed, that only I used to occupy, now feels too big, too cold, too ​lonely on days you’re not here..

...oh my darling, I’m going crazy.

There are only a few days left before you leave, and I’m left here, ​wanting more—more than you might be able to give me at this point. I ​want to ask, I want to talk, but I’m so scared I’d be a bother, that I’d ​distract you from important work.

So, instead, I swallow that desire, and just wait by the sidelines until ​you’re done. Until you’re available. Until you have the mental ​capacity to deal with my insanity...

(But still, I want so much more of you.)

9월 3일

Stop picking fights, Da-in.

Please talk to me.

Stop pestering him.

Please notice me.

Just, stop.

I can’t. I miss you.

9월 3일

How can one person have so much power over me? How can a few ​words from you silence the voices running rampant in my head?

How can you be so kind? How can you be so patient, understanding? ​How can you be so accepting of the things I hate about myself, and ​even dare to declare that you love it?

I love you. I love you so much.

Please never get tired of loving me.

9월 4일

It’s a rainy day. This is probably summer slowly bidding us its ​adieu, making way for the arrival of autumn.

I actually woke up this time with a stomach ache. I guess that’s what ​you get for finishing an entire plate full of steak and kimbap. I have ​no one to blame but myself—but also, I don’t regret eating as much as ​I did. I cooked the steak perfectly, and the shop we usually buy ​kimbap from never lets me down. The flavor is always the same. ​That’s some good quality control there, heh.

I actually have something planned today. A designer friend of mine ​invited me to attend this function, so despite my indigestion, of ​course, I have to go. I actually had a really nice time. The artwork was ​great, there were like-minded people, and it made me really think ​about pursuing fashion, however way.

9월 4일

Anyway, I must thank you for last night. I actually didn’t expect ​you’d answer, because it was already late when I sent you the link to ​this diary of sorts... but I suppose the universe knew(?) I needed to ​hear something from you. I hope I wasn’t too unreasonable with my ​request, although I can be rather demanding at times.

I just have one more thing to say. In the same way you encourage me ​to speak up and say what’s on my mind, I also want you to remember ​that it’s not just you in this relationship, since you seem to like ​bearing the burden or something, heh.

It’s you and I. And while ideally, we give our all to make it work, there ​will always be days when you can’t seem to give as much as you’d like.

That’s where I come in. On days you can only give 20, 30 percent, I’ll ​cover the remaining 80 70. On days when I can only give little, I’m ​sure you’ll do the same too. And if you think this is just me settling for ​less, it’s not. I’ve never really thought of it that way...

I just think that in relationships, there are instances when we’ll have ​to make compromises. And although, right now, we may be making a ​lot of it but, just like you said, this situation won’t go on forever.

And, frankly speaking, this is my greatest comfort.

I look forward to the day you and I can finally come home into each ​other’s arms, without anything holding us back.

9월 4일

For now, especially on lonely days, I will hold onto our memories,

and look forward to your return, and our happy future together.

9월 4일

Teach me your language.

I may not be native to your homeland,

but let me belong.

Let me be native to you.

- Abdulsamad S. M.

9월 4일

Suddenly, all the love songs were about you.

9월 5일

I woke up feeling blank today. I don’t know whether or not that’s a ​good thing. I ended up just distracting myself with anything and ​everything — gym, retail therapy, work, a quick tattoo visit. I’ve got a ​bunch of tiny stars on my forearm now, haha.

I also tried to write you something other than this.. but I just couldn’t ​find the words to say.

Tomorrow’s the last day before you go.

I hope you’re okay.

I miss you.

i feel like you’re so far away, ahead of me, forging on in your chosen ​path, while I remain rooted where you left me, waiting.

Hurting.

Yearning.

Longing.

But still, hoping.

9월 5일

Hey... is it okay to admit that I feel tired? Will you hold it against me? ​For days, I try not to be, but I’ve gotten so anxious over my feelings. ​Am I being too much? Am I overreacting, overbearing? Maybe I’m the ​only one acting this way.. maybe I’m making it harder for you.. maybe ​I’ve gone crazy. Maybe..

I don’t want you crucifying yourself over this, though—I mean, I ​suppose it’s only natural for people to feel this way while waiting.. I ​guess this is just one of the many consequences of loving.

But in case you get all anxious, I’m not giving up on us, okay? I just ​really like this song, but unlike the protagonists in the lyrics, I’m not ​going to let this put an end to us.

So.. I can take it all. I can take all the heartbreaks. I’ll have my heart ​break over and over, if that means you’ll return to piece it all back ​together.

But I’m serious when I tell you that you need to pull all the stops ​when you get back. I don’t take well to feeling abandoned, you know, ​hah. I jest — although there is truth to that, to an extent.

9월 8일

I haven’t written to you in a couple of days, will you forgive me? I ​tried, and tried and tried. But I couldn’t put together anything decent ​for you to read. I guess I was just burnt out. Instead, I pebbled you ​with random things on Twitter that reminds me a lot of you, and ​aptly describes what I feel for you.

Anyway, so much happened yesterday evening. I was at Sage, tending ​the bar because one of my kids had an emergency to take care of. An ​acquaintance came by, asking for the strongest drink I had on hand. ​It’s probably my fault for mentioning I had a spirit that was around ​95-96% ABV — basically ethanol alcohol, really. He asked for that, ​and I thought I’d just give him a shot. I’ve never really dealt that ​drink out, but for some reason, he managed to manipulate me into ​giving him more each time, and he passed out at the bar.

I couldn’t really leave him there.. so I had the boys move him to the ​big couch in my office, where he could lay down and sleep better. As ​a result, I couldn’t go home, and I stayed up for a bit, until I finally ​clocked out at God knows when.

A miracle happened suddenly, though. At the most random time, I ​woke up by coincidence to your messages. I wasn’t really expecting to ​hear from you because I thought you had already flown to China, so ​it came as a really pleasant surprise. My heart jumped and sleep ​evaded me all of a sudden, especially when you replied. And for the ​first time in what felt like forever, we had somewhat a proper ​conversation, although you were in a bit of a hurry.

Our exchange this morning, though short, could not have come at a ​better time, truly. You came like spring showers, washing away the ​remnants of the harsh, cold winter we both have to endure at this ​time.

I thought that this long, long night would have to last us a while more, ​but each time my notifications light up to show your name, time ​inches closer and closer to the morning I’ve been looking forward to.

I’m sure you feel the same way too.

9월 8일

What do I do — I feel so manic! I feel like I could do so much today. ​You give me so much energy, you have no idea.

I’ve been talking to Daejun a lot these days — you know, the one I call ​Juju? He said you and him have been talking about becoming closer ​before X closed its doors to his likes. He’s got a message for you:

We’re on Bluesky, by the way. I guess my salestalking worked for one ​person, heh (well, no, it’s not just one person. The entire nation is ​probably on Bluesky, which is so funny to me).

Anyway, so we’ve been talking a lot, yes. And I realized again how ​true the saying never judge a book by its cover is. I mean, he has ​always seemed bubbly and bright outside, but it turns out that he’s ​going through some rough times right now. And it’s not just X going ​offline where he lives. He and his partner broke up. So, I’ve just been ​keeping him company. Though, frankly, I think we’re both keeping ​each other company. We’ve been confiding in each other all these ​times.

I promise you we’re not talking shit about you, though, hehe.

9월 8일

Anyway, tonight, while we were talking, he asked me how our first ​date went. And — quite frankly, I’m not so sure which one you regard ​as our first date, but I told him that for me, our first date was when ​you picked me up from the airport after I got back from a business ​trip in France.

And it made me reminisce. Though it has only been a few months, it ​feels like forever ago.

Truth be told, I don’t have the best memory. So forgive me if it evades ​me, the reason why we started talking in the first place. Remind me? ​All I just remember thinking was that you were just a fleeting ​moment, a brief interaction; that you were a comet passing by. Bright, ​warm, beautiful, but that you will soon carry on with your life, ​without so much as a farewall glance my way.

I remember thinking you were just looking for someone to play with. ​Nothing serious, just like the others. Which was fine — I wasn’t really ​looking at the time.

But moments turned into minutes, into days and weeks, and I ​realized, maybe you were different from the rest. Your interest and ​attention hadn’t wavered one bit. And for a moment, I was hopeful — ​but then I had work to do in France. And I was gone for a few days. ​And I remember clearly thinking that this business trip was going to ​kill whatever we had going on. I expected you’d stop talking to me for ​whatever reason — timezones, being the very first on the list.

To my surprise, you were persistent. You just went on. You kept on ​bridging that gap between us, however way you needed. And it was ​then that I knew I simply couldn’t ignore you anymore. You snuck ​from behind, and I couldn’t be any more terrified and ecstatic at the ​same time.

Tension was high between us, do you remember? Despite the miles, ​land and ocean between us. You even insisted on picking me up from ​the airport when I got back, and I didn’t have the heart to refuse your ​offer — though I tried, if only to seem modest and demure at first, ​heh.

9월 8일

You know my story. I am a homeless woman, wandering the cities ​aimlessly. But all of a sudden, coming home to Korea has never felt ​so good until that day, when I got out of the airport, and you were ​there, waiting. The rest after that, was history, as they say.

And as I recalled on that particular moment, I realized just how often ​separation happens to you and I. First, that trip in France. And then ​when you and I would go on separate trips here and there. When I ​went to England, and now you, in China.

Then, it made me think again. What am I so scared of? What am I so ​worried about this time? We managed then. I managed. Every time ​one of us went away, did we not come home to the other one who was ​waiting right away?

(Though, to be fair, this time, there were just so many things ​happening, and I was yearning for you after we spent so little time ​over the last couple of weeks or so.)

But it kind of grounded me. There’s nothing to worry about.

9월 8일

I thought I’d include here one of my favorite timeline interaction of ours to date.

I’m yours, all yours. All seventy one inches of me, yours.